Tag Archives: challenges

I’m taking on a challenge, 1 step at a time!

Some people, more than others, constantly set themselves challenges…there may be no reason for this, other than, “just to see if I can”! For me, it’s been running. I started running as a teenager and have done it ever since. At uni, I was not up late at night partying, but when suffering from insomnia I would go for late-night runs to clear my head or just for something to do! I’ve enjoyed many-a 10k race, tried a multi-terrain type thing that was a giggle and done a couple of half marathons.


For the last few years I’ve found running harder and harder. It’s never easy to go for a run when it’s cold or raining but even in the good weather my body has complained, my hips ached, I’d get sharp pains in my ankles, my head throbbed no matter how hydrated I was and at times it feels as though ever cell in my body was crying to stop. Instead of the exhilaration I used to experience, when returning from a run I’d just feel exhausted. My brain was willing but my body was not. I’ve had breaks, thinking I just needed to rest for a bit but every time I went back to it, I just couldn’t get going.


Since I was a teen I’ve dreamt of running a marathon, would I have to give up on running before I’d realised my dream?

Last year, many of you will know, I was finally diagnosed with fibromyalgia. This is a chronic pain and fatigue disorder that I will need to manage for the rest of my life. Good news, a key part of management is exercise! Bad news, “grading” and “pacing” are not words I’m used to when it comes to running! Connected, or unrelated I’ve also had a lot of other medical problems recently that have put spanners in the works BUT… I have had to learn…


Grading – This involves starting at a very low manageable level of exercise, i.e. 5 minutes of walking per day for a week or 2 (depending on residual fitness). The idea is then to build up very slowly, 1-2 minutes at a time and this is then maintained for a period of time. Gradually other exercises can be added in (of particular value in fibro are things like warm water swimming or yoga).

Pacing – Pacing involves doing the same amount of activity each day, no matter how you’re feeling. The hard bit for me is that when I’m feeling good I want to run and run, which (with fibro) means I’ll pay the price within hours. Even just running a bit further than planned, my joints and muscles ache and the fatigue feel unmanageable. On bad days it’s easy to feel that exercise just isn’t possible but studies have shown that even though symptoms may increase, if appropriate limits are set, it is possible to repeat the performance from the previous day.


I am not someone to give up without a massive fight!

I was referred to a specialist clinic and I went with my long list of questions… at the top? “Will I ever be able to run a marathon?” To be honest, the physiotherapist was not forthcoming with a promising answer but she could see I was enthusiastic, wasn’t going to give up without a fight and she didn’t want to put a dampener on things so she suggested 2 years may be a time scale I could work to.

So, with grading and pacing in mind, October 2018 in my goal.


In Novemeber 2016 my GP referred me to the gym. I started walking for 5 minutes on the treadmill and using the cross trainer and resistance machines to improve my fitness without putting strain on my joints. It was really hard making all the effort to go to the gym just for 10-15 minutes exercise but I had to keep my eyes on the goal. Gradually I added in 2 minutes jogging, increasing it bit by bit, listening to my body and working within my limits. Each increase, my instincts would say “push yourself”, I then have to be strict with myself and make the increase smaller than I wanted – literally 1 minute or 0.2km/h at a time. It’s been really hard.

Pacing has been a tricky one, I’ve hit and broken through “the wall” many times as a relatively fit and healthy individual. I have fallen into the trap of thinking that was all I needed to do with fibro. Unfortunately, after the wall, there’s a 20 inch thick concrete block, then a steep mountain crag, if you do manage to push yourself through all those, there is then a crevasse… So, even when I’ve wanted to do more, if my plan says to repeat the previous day, that is what I do.


So, working carefully, the treadmill and cross trainer have got me to the point of being able to jog for 30 mins. I registered with Parkrun, a free weekly 5k run organised across the world.

Joining the 500 other runners I felt that excitement/nervousness I’d experienced previously at much bigger races and it felt good! I promised my husband I would “plod” round. I was drawn along with the crowd but I was determined not to be driven by striving for a PB or specific time. I must admit when I received my time by email I was quite excited… That is not the point, the point is, I did it, I jogged/ran the whole thing and I really enjoyed it! Yes I ached afterwards but that’s not the end of the world, I did all my usual warming up and cooling down and I can safely say I have not felt any unmanageable adverse affects!

Fibro aside, I’m really hoping none of my other health problems get in the way! My next goals will involve running further but increasing it very slowly. I’ll keep you posted.

I’d love to hear if anyone else has set themselves any goal or challenge, fighting against the odds!

 

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Another challenge ticked off!

As some of you will know I’ve written about my experience with anorexia and I’d like to share with you a recent hurdle I overcame and hopefully give people a little insight into the continuing recovery journey.

struggle

I’ve been “weight restored” for a few years now but the battle doesn’t end there. I’ve spent the last few years continuing with the challenges of eating different foods, eating in public, wearing different clothes and gradually I’ve accomplished each step, some falteringly, some more naturally with a lot of support. I would consider myself recovered but I had one thing left to do that I didn’t want to force, I had to wait for it to come up naturally and for me to be in a good place when it did come up!

Last night, I ate a main meal in public with people who aren’t close friends and/or family (it was a work social).

To a lot of people this is fairly standard and wouldn’t faze them but to an introverted recovering anorexia sufferer, this is the ultimate hell…but it wasn’t!!

I’ve previously done this with Steve (my husband) by my side. He provided a safety net should I struggle in any way. I know he would be there if I asked him to be, whenever I needed him. But last night, there was no safety net.

introvert

As a life long (there isn’t any other kind) introvert I’ve learnt how to manage social situations by putting on a bit of an act. As a child and young adult I would do this naturally as I’d automatically learnt to pretend I was someone I’m not to try and vaguely fit in. Once I realised I was doing this, I went through a bit of an angry stage, feeling annoyed that I had to be someone else to please other people. Now, I have peace with it – most of the time, I’m myself (quiet, reserved, choosing to listen rather than talk) but if necessary, I can use other skills (that are still part of who I am) to be a bit more “life ‘n’ soul”.

So, putting the introversion to one side, a short list of challenges lie ahead:

  1. Choose from a menu in a restaurant I’d not picked
  2. Engage in conversation (with people I don’t know very well) about food
  3. Not make any disordered comments
  4. Eat (a vaguely “normal” portion) while other people ate too
  5. Sit with any feelings that come up and not react unhealthily

Choosing food

I’m starting to enjoy going out for dinner with Steve but I’m usually at least 50% responsible for picking the restaurant. I’d had no say in this work social but no. 1 on my list wasn’t too hard as vegetarian options were limited (which I find helpful!) and they had a clear description of what they were under each heading. I still have calories, fat and sugar content swimming around my head but just picking something was the objective and I managed this.
Engaging in conversation

No. 2 isn’t too hard but combining it with no. 3 is tricky. It seems “normal” for women to be on diets and men to joke about it. I’m afraid I’m never going to be happy joining in with that sort of banter. I have 2 colleagues trying to lose weight and therefore avoiding carbs. At what point in history did carbs become “bad” and cutting out an essential nutrient become “good”? And I had a male colleague trying to get everyone drunk. I could join in the diet conversations with comments such as “you have to push past the hunger and see the pain as a good thing” but I think I’d get some funny looks! I work hard to join in other conversations and my imminent Kenyan safari holiday comes up. I’m very very happy to talk about that!

powerful

Portion size and eating

Food arrived in separate bowls and it was a case of serving yourself. Portion size is really tricky when you’ve had a voice yelling at you about individual granules of sugar or gram of fat and hunger signals have become unbalanced for many years. 1 table spoonful of rice can look like an overwhelming large portion to someone with anorexia so I still tend to glance at what other people are doing to judge what’s a “normal” portion. This doesn’t always work as normal doesn’t actually exist! But, fitting in with an average portion was possible! I sometimes struggle eating with other people if they’re particularly messy, or eat particularly fast, or slowly but I sit with these feelings and it’s ok. I didn’t have a voice yelling at me I wasn’t allowed to finish my dish (as that would be greedy) or social etiquette yelling at me it’s rude to leave food. I just ate what I wanted and left the rest. No. 4 executed while sustaining numbers 2 and 3!

ticks

Sitting with feelings

Feeling exhausted by this point but a very good sign is that my cheeks are aching from laughing and smiling so much. I’m not too full but I’m very glad there isn’t the shall I/shan’t I? question over dessert as my colleagues are going on elsewhere to continue drinking while I go back to work so the evening, for me, draws to a pleasant close. I’m please with how the evening’s gone so I can tick off no. 5 too!

Feeling accomplished!

hooray