Why are numbers unhelpful when talking about eating disorders?

I was recently interviewed on BBC Radio Berkshire, I was incredibly grateful for the opportunity to raise awareness of eating disorders and the importance of early diagnosis and treatment. However, as part of telling my story, I was asked how much weight I had lost. In no way do I want to attack the presenter, I’m actually grateful that he’s raised an important issue that’s not really spoken about except within the recovery community.

Talking about numbers is a key factor that’s different between pro-Ana/Mia websites and the recovery community. If you come across a forum claiming to support people with their eating disorders, and people have l.w., h.w. or g.w. etc in their signature, alarm bells should ring. (Lowest weight, highest weight and goal weight)

Just imagine, you have an illness that tells you “you’re too fat/heavy”; you need medical treatment but you don’t think you deserve it, you don’t think you’re ill enough. You look online for some support and you see people who are aiming for lower weights and not seeking treatment. What are you going to think? Your illness tells you, you need to lose more weight!

My weight, when ill, was low enough to fit the diagnostic criteria for diagnosis, therefore, what would me sharing the specifics of my weight/weight loss add to my story? If it was a shocking amount, would my story have more gravity? Would people be more likely to listen? If it wasn’t a shocking amount, would people question my story? Would people think I hadn’t really been ill? Weight loss was just one symptom of my illness. People with other (just as dangerous) eating disorders may be a healthy weight.

In my interview I wanted to share that important early diagnosis and treatment are vital, delaying treatment means delaying recovery, however, I also wanted to offer hope, if you’ve been ill for a long time, recovery is possible. My message would have lost its profundity if people were distracted by the numbers.

Being embroiled in an eating disorder, for some people, is all about numbers:

• Weight
• Weight loss/gain
• Calories consumed
• Calories expended
• Weight of food
• Nutritional breakdown
• Number of steps
• Waist/thigh/arm etc measurements

The list is endless!

When I was ill, if it was possible to count it, my brain seems to do it whether I wanted it to or not! When I was recovering, one of the last things I stopped doing was having to cut my food into a specific number of pieces. Even now, I sometimes fall into the habit of counting, just because those neural pathways are well worn and it takes more effort not to follow familiar patterns.

I knew people with eating disorders would be listening to the radio, I did not want to trigger people into thinking about numbers, nor did I want to feed into people’s beliefs that to have an eating disorder you should be a certain weight or have lost a certain amount.

If you’re supporting someone recovering from an eating disorder, it’s helpful to avoid number talk, it’s triggering and unnecessary. Of course, some number talk will be necessary between dietitian/psychiatrist etc and patient, and a diet plan may involve some numbers but keeping it to a minimum is important.

Supportive forums will have a ban on numbers being mentioned. They’re not important, discussing how you feel or what you think is far more beneficial. A vital part of recovery is turning your back on the numbers, it is possible to be free from the grip of numbers.

Is body neutrality for me?

Body image, whether it’s good or bad, everyone seems to be talking about it. I’ve previously written about body confidence and how important it is. But it’s not quite as simple as saying “it’s important”.

I can’t remember ever being ok with my body; of course, I probably was when I was a toddler, when I had no idea that judging one’s body was even a thing, but as far back as I can remember, I’ve looked at bits of my body with disappointment or even disgust and generally felt it’s overall too big.

There, confession out the way…

I think it’s safe to say I’ve had pretty poor body image.

I was told, when recovering from anorexia that I had to put on weight, no matter how I felt about it, I had to do the physical stuff first and my mind would catch up. I cannot remember the number of times I was told I would feel better about my body given time. I see the logic, they all say you have to feed your brain before you can have therapy that will help with the thoughts and feelings.

People recovering from anorexia find weight gain really difficult, being underweight is a fundamental aspect of the disorder. It’s not about vanity, poor body image goes hand in hand with the disorder that strips you of your value and worth.

Unfortunately, my brain has never caught up, I’ve been weight restored for many years now and I’m just as judgmental about my body as I’ve ever been. It doesn’t matter whether I’ve been severely underweight or a healthy weight, I had a poor body image through the lot – I think what I think is justified, others disagree…

Some people have extremely positive body image, take Jessica Kellgren-Fozard for example, she has a disability that impacts her life and her body but she absolutely loves her body and is very open about it! Seriously, this girl is awesome! Follow her on YouTube!

There are various techniques, such as positive affirmations repeated regularly (even if you don’t believe them) that are meant to help with positive body image. This feels so far beyond what I could manage, given the strength of the negative feelings about my body! Pretending to be body positive is false (for me) and being false is as aspect of my illness I wish to walk away from, I used to “fake it til you make it”, I would fake being happy to please everyone else but it didn’t work and this just added to my feelings of guilt, shame and failure!

Body neutrality, however, could be within reach! Being neutral towards our bodies is about not necessary liking our body but it’s about accepting it. It’s ok to have flaws, to notice them but be ok with them.

I can see objectively that my body is healthy so I could I look at what it’s done and be positive about that?

I’ve severely abused my body, I’ve forced it beyond its limits. There’s no body system, from my bones to my gut that’s been untouched by the gruelling demands I’ve placed on it. And yet, it digests food efficiently, it keeps me warm, it’s carried me through some half marathons, my brain is pretty quick at mental maths, my hands enable me to make beautiful jewellery, to play emotive music and to knit wonderful creations; I’m not boasting or saying my body is better or worse than anyone else’s, I’m just stating the facts. Although it malfunctions due to chronic illness, there’s a lot is does pretty well!

Body neutrality is about being able to stand in front of the mirror and say “I accept my body how it is”. It may let me down occasionally but that’s because it’s working pretty dam hard. I’m not going to let it down, I’m going to look after it and try to keep it healthy.

Of course, I can say these things, I can state facts about my body, it may be a few steps until I fully accept my body as it is!

Work stress nearly cost me my life

As Mental Health Awareness Week comes to an end I thought I’d write a bit about my personal journey and (hopefully) warn against the dangers of work stress.

I struggled with my health all through uni. As an introvert, I found the social life expected was too much for me, it was so far out of my comfort zone, I had to pretend to be someone else and that cost me more energy than I had. Team this was a course (medicine) that I found very difficult; the high proportion of patient contact was great experience but, again, cost me energy I didn’t have.

With my commitments sapping me energy, my mood plummeted and my thoughts followed. I felt I wasn’t good enough, I couldn’t cope, I was completely useless and I had imposted syndrome – someone was going to find out, I was a fraud and discover I didn’t have what it takes to be a doctor.

I got through medical school thinking “I just need to get through, it will be better when I qualify, there will be fewer assessments and I can get on with doing what I want to do, be a doctor”.

Unfortunately, when I qualified, while the daunting exams were over and I felt relieved that I’d made it, the stress did not stop. It might sound silly but until I qualified, I don’t think I realised that people’s lives were literally in my hands!

Yes, as a junior doctor, you have the support of a team but when on call or, as I was, working in a hospital with few doctors, it was down to me. I felt completely overwhelmed with the responsibility and felt I didn’t know enough. Imposter syndrome was crushing my confidence, the anxiety was crippling. Every time I needed to think clearly and quickly, my brain froze. Literally, no thoughts would come through my mind and I struggled to take action.

I spent many moments crying in the toilet. But this just led to guilt, I couldn’t do my job hiding and crying, so I’d dry my eyes and put on a brave face.

I still thought, “if I just get through this stage…” but I couldn’t survive thinking that at every stage. I tried to confide in my colleagues and they reassured me and supported me as best they could but my health couldn’t hold up.

One day I was a doctor, the next I was a patient.

My depression was severe and I was experiencing psychotic symptoms with my anorexia. My life was at risk with self harm and suicidal behavior. Of course, there were many contributing factors but work stress was right up there!

If you’re feeling work stress, please talk to someone, don’t hope it will get better, it needs managing. Your health is more important than any job.

Think before we speak, taming the tongue

The tongue is an incredibly powerful muscle, it can discourage or encourage, praise or curse, gossip or spread rumour, express love, hate or anything in between. If you believe in creation as set out in Genesis, (God) speaking brought the world into existence!

As children, many of us were given the simple message “if you’ve not got anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”, this helps us stop before we speak and evaluate whether our words are nasty or nice, mean or kind, cruel or compassionate.

I don’t think I’m alone when I say I’m guilty of letting my tongue get the better of me. When I’m feeling a bit rubbish, I’ll say a curt word, for some reason, want to bring down the people around me – I can be nice and polite in public but it’s my husband who gets the less than helpful comments and underhand criticism. I don’t mean to be harsh, sometimes things just come out.

We’ve all been around people who seem to just want to discourage, knock confidence and generally hinder, cause difficulty or seem to oppose everything. I’m going to be blunt and say it’s best to let people like that slip out of your life but of course, this isn’t always possible.

I was asked in some recent bible teaching (name drop alert), with Simon Ponsonby(!), “how do you respond to criticism” – my answer was that I used to take it really badly, take it to heart, I would even twist it to fit my belief that I was useless, pointless and couldn’t do anything right. More recently, I’ve noticed I’m more likely to defend myself or even shut out the criticism; this is because I’m aware my self esteem incredibly fragile so if I take the criticism as I used to, it would mean all the work I’ve done to build myself up would be wasted.

However, we discussed that criticism can help us develop and be better people. This, of course, has to be the magical ‘constructive criticism’ – to give this kind of advise is about finding the right balance.

So, when I hear criticism, it’s important to evaluate it immediately and decide if it’s going to cut me down or whether it has the possibility to help develop me. If the latter, it needs to be listened to, understood and taken on board.

In the bible teaching, Simon was looking the book of James, chapter 3, about taming the tongue.

It’s not about saying nice things or not saying the horrible things you really want to say. We all know passive aggressive people who communicate incredibly loudly with their silence or through their fake niceness…this makes for a toxic atmosphere.

It’s about wanting the best for those around us, it’s about considering what they need to hear (NOT what we think they need to hear) but making sure you communicate effectively and take time to ensure they’ve heard what you intended.

Thinking about taming my tongue I’ve looked up the definition; although many definitions of the verb to “tame” suggest, submission or lacking in something, I’ve come across one that I think is more helpful when thinking about taming the tongue:

“To harness or control; render useful, as a source of power.”

This recognises the capacity of the tongue and that it can be used to accomplish great things. I’ve been challenged to tame my tongue, to think before I speak and (not stay silent) but speak with love and compassion, and ensure what I say builds up those around me. If I feel critical or argumentative, I need to consider what is best for the other person – can I rephrase what I want to say so they benefit instead of feeling got at?

I will THINK before I speak and consider whether it is:

• True
• Helpful
• Inspiring
• Necessary
• Kind

Why body confidence is important and what we can do about it

As someone who’s suffered from anorexia, I get fed up with people thinking it’s all about vanity. Thinking you look so ugly that you want to stop existing is so much more serious than taking excessive pride in one’s appearance. Vanity is about loving your looks, anorexia is about considering your worth in relation to how badly you’ve treated yourself (ie you’re worth more if you’ve starved yourself to lost weight).

Body confidence is a massively underestimated subject.

Parents often observe their toddlers having fun with their looks, they like dressing up, putting on Mum or Dad’s shoes or having their face painted, they might look ridiculous but they also look incredibly cute as they laugh and smile at themselves in the mirror, often even kissing the mirror in shear delight at how they look.

At what age does this stop? At what age do we gradually slide down the pit into hating how we look, poking bits of our body in disgust, looking at portions of our body and planning how to get rid of it?

Body confidence isn’t about how you look, it’s about the way you think you look.

Here are a few stats about why, what young people think about how they look, is important:

• 6/10 girls are choosing not to do something because they don’t think they look good enough
• 31% of teenagers withdraw from classroom debate because they don’t want to draw attention to the way that they look
• On days when they don’t feel good about the way they look, 1/5 skip class
• If a young person doesn’t think they’re thin enough they will score lower grades than their peers who are not concerned with looks. This is data has been gathered from Finland, the US and China, and it is true regardless of how much you actually weigh. This is probably true across the world but not enough research has been done into this area.

This continues into adulthood as 17% women would not show up at a job interview on a day when they weren’t feeling confident about the way they look.

Low body confidence is known to lead to:

• Taking less physical activity
• Eating less fruits and vegetables
• Low self esteem
• Being more easily influenced
• A higher risk of depression

People with low body confidence are more likely to use alcohol, drugs, cosmetic surgery, unhealthy weight control practices that can lead to eating disorders, unprotected earlier sex and self harm in order to make themselves feel better.

So what do we need to do about it?

1. Educate for body confidence in schools. There are 6 core themes that need to be addressed:

• Teasing and bullying
• How we talk about appearance
• The influence of family, friends and relationships
• Media and celebrity culture
• Competing and comparing looks
• Respecting and looking after yourself

2. Be better role models – as adults we need to be mindful about what we say and do. We need to think about how we compliment each other and in particular what we post on social media.

3. Work together – this isn’t an issue we can leave to schools to deal with, we need to work together in communities, at a government level and in the work place to improve body confidence for all.

We need to work towards ensuring we:

• Value ourselves for for who we are and what we do rather than how we look
• Value individuality, each one of us is unique and that’s beautiful

Me, my self harm and my scars

I feel incredibly strongly that self harm is an important topic to talk about. Not only because it is on the increase in schools (and talking about it is the only way to prevent it) but I wish to break down the stigma, misundstanding and controversy surrounding the topic.

Don’t get me wrong, I find it a very difficult topic to open up about, I feel sad that I’ve used it as a coping mechanism and I’m gutted that I have to live with my history on show but we have to start talking about it somehow!

Read more about my story here: http://metro.co.uk/2017/06/19/my-history-of-self-harm-has-left-me-with-scars-but-i-see-them-as-a-mark-of-my-survival-6686564/ 

How do you love someone who doesn’t love themselves?

It can be absolutely devastating to watch someone self destruct. This can be through drugs, alcohol, an eating disorder, self harm or more subtly through constant self deprecating thoughts and language. I’m not talking about someone who doesn’t like the odd characteristic in themselves but someone embroiled in these behaviours who has a deep seated hatred of themselves.

It can absolutely rip your heart out when you know someone is doing themselves harm and the way out seems painfully obvious. 

If someone is taking drugs or drinking too much, if only they would stop…

If someone is ravaged by restricting and binge eating, if only they would eat regularly…

I’ve watched close friends make the same mistakes time after time and they turn to me in desperation. I know if only they could respect themselves, they could break their destructive cycles and they’d start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But they don’t believe they deserve respect from anyone, let alone themselves.

Watching someone in pain, at times can feel like you’re grieving. Where is the person? How do they not see themselves as you see them? Why are they in so much pain? It’s important to be honest about this grief. You have not lost them but if this is how it feels, be honest, at this moment, they may still be there in body but if their mind is not all there, they can feel missing.

I have been both the person watching on and the person being watched.

Until recently, I had no idea what it meant to even feel ok about myself. I feared that if I liked myself, I would be arrogant so I ran in the opposite direction and I hated myself. From a young teen I travelled through various self destructive behaviours always with an internal self loathing running commentary. I pushed everyone away at the same time as I cried out for their help. I would say I was incredibly hard to love.

There are no simple answers but here are a few of my thoughts.

Accept that, although the answer looks obvious to you, you are unlikely to be able to, nor is it your job to fix the person. Even if the person in pain is your son or daughter for whom you feel responsible, they are their own person, you can only advise and guide, you cannot fix. When I accept this, I find I have more space to do what I can do.

Consider what you are doing, good enough. Whatever you do, you will be showing love. People show and receive love in different ways, this may not be the time to have a deep conversation about exactly what’s right for them but if you show love through words, actions or gifts, keep going. Sometimes just being there is all that is needed or possible, just keep being there.

Make sure you get the support you need. Acknowledge that you are going through a tough time too. You might feel grief or anger, fear or shear desperation, no emotion is wrong. Give yourself some TLC or ask for it from others, there’s no point in your life veering off too!

It is likely that time after time someone in self-destruct mode will push you away, this can feel like a personal attack but try not to see it that way. Give them time and space (this will show them love) but do go back and let them know you’re still there for them.

As hard as it is, almost impossible at times, remember that the person you love is in there somewhere. No matter how hard they try to push you away, no matter how much they hate themselves, no matter how destructively they are behaving, they are the same person underneath.

People do not behave destructively for no reason, they are not deliberately trying to cause you pain. Most people in this position have not been shown the love or emotional care they need, for this they will need professional help. If at all possible, they need someone to remember who they are beyond the destructive behaviour and love them for who they are. You do not have to condone or even accept what they’re doing, just love the person underneath.

Healing can and does occur.

Why can’t I say “no”?

I’m an introvert and many people find this very difficult to understand as my inner desires are at odds with what society considers “normal”. I get tired very easily and quickly when socialising and I don’t particularly enjoy it. If I’m already exhausted before I even go to an event, I’m fighting a losing battle but my instinct is still to push myself, I know that’s what other people want, it is what society expects.

Most of my life my priority has been to fit in, to do what other people want, to try and at least look normal (even if I don’t feel it) so I’ve spent a lot of time doing things I don’t want to do. Pleasing other people has felt like the best thing to do as pleasing myself would mean I’d be labelled a “loner”, be an outcast or be judged as “abnormal”. But why should I be unhappy while I’m attempting to make others happy?

Other examples of unhealthy people pleasing include things like:

• Swapping shifts when asked even though it means you’ll miss out on something else you’d planned.
• Taking on menial tasks at work because no one else wants to do them even though they should be shared out or doing all the chores at home even though you have equal amount of free time as everyone else.
• Always doing activities other people want to do even though you’re not interested in them (e.g. going to the aquadrome even though you’d rather curl up with a book or chat over a coffee).
• Allowing others to be promoted over you even though you’re more experienced/qualified because they were kicking up more of a fuss.
• Backing down quickly in conflict even if you think you’ve got a good point that needs making, just to keep peace with the other person.

I really struggle to say “no”, I’m sure many people can relate, there are a number of reasons for this:

1. I don’t want to let them down – they obviously need or want what they’ve asked for so I want to do anything I can to do it for them, even if that means putting my needs and wants to one side.

2. I don’t want to put my priorities above theirs – as above, if someone needs or wants something, who am I to decide that my needs or wants are more important than theirs? If I’m asked to swap a shift because someone has a social engagement they wish to attend, how can I say “quality time with my husband is more important than your social engagement”?

3. I don’t want them to think badly of me – I somehow think I can mind read and that if I say “no”, they will automatically think I am selfish, lazy, insensitive, party pooper, inflexible, unhelpful etc etc!

4. I don’t want people to worry about me – having had mental health problems in the past which made me feel like I didn’t want to do any thing or see anyone, if I say decide not to go to a social event (for example) people might think I’m getting ill again.

5. I want them to feel they can ask again – if I say “no ” this time, I fear they will assume I will always say “no” and I will miss out on helping them out next time.

6. I can’t stand the guilt – once I’ve said “no” it plays on my mind for a long time!

7. Anything for an easy life – saying” no” to some people can create a bad atmosphere and make everyone (even people not involved) feel awkward. It feel it’s best just to let people have their way and I deal with the consequences internally.

However, the negative impact of people pleasing is clear:

• Low self esteem
• Loss of self
• Burn-out
• Being taken for granted
• Resentment

 

The truth is, of course, that it is not my job to make other people happy, nor do I, in reality, have much control over it!

So, if you find yourself saying “yes” all the time, putting yourself at the bottom of the pile and trying to please everyone else, perhaps it’s time for a change.

1. You cannot take soul responsibility for other people not getting what they want all the time. Sometimes we let people down and that’s ok.

2. It is ok to put you and your priorities first for once. No one can know for sure if one person’s needs are higher than another person’s so it’s ok to look at the situation from your point of view and if want you want or need is important to you, stick to it.

3. If someone judges you harshly for saying “no”, maybe it’s them that’s in the wrong. Saying “no ” does not make you selfish, it means you’re considering the whole situation instead of one small aspect.

4. Saying “no” doesn’t mean I’m ill. Saying “yes” when the best thing would be to say “no” is a bad sign, being able to be assertive and putting yourself first for once is a good sign!

5. You can say “not this time, but do ask me again”. If they don’t want to ask you again, that’s their problem.

6. Guilt isn’t a problem, holding onto it is. If you let someone down, feeling bad for a short time is natural but you do not need to dwell in it.

7. Avoid people who deliberately make you feel bad for saying “no”. If they can’t handle you being assertive, that’s their problem.

I’m not suggesting we say “no ” all the time, I’m just saying a balance can be found!

People pleasers of the world unite in saying “no” (sometimes)!

Low self esteem: The hidden condition

Low self esteem can be a painful condition and many of us suffer in silence, unaware of the damage being done, unaware that there is a way out.

Throughout my mental health journey, I was asked numerous times if I had low self esteem, I would struggle with this question. The definition of self esteem is:

“Confidence in one’s own worth or abilities; self-respect”

Since I did not believe I had any worth or abilities, how could I possibly have confidence in them? I did not believe there was anything about me to respect. Therefore, the question baffled me because if there is nothing to feel good about how could I rate it as low or high? It’s only since my self esteem has improved have I realised how rock bottom it was and I had previously been viewing myself through a distorted lens. Once the cycle of low self esteem started, add in mental illness and you soon reach no self esteem!

We build a picture of ourselves and  our self esteem grows from a combination of the following:

• Experiences at home, school, work and in the community
• How other people react to you and treat you
• Illness, disability or injury and how those around you cope
• Your own thoughts and perceptions
• Culture, religion and societal status and role
• Media messages

Problems associated with low self esteem include:

• Feelings of fear and anxiety – an all consuming fear of doing something wrong, looking stupid.
• Isolation and avoiding new situations – these things can feel too overwhelming when you assume you won’t be able to cope.
• Staying quiet and not sharing thoughts or ideas, not initiating conversation – anything to avoid looking bad, stupid of inept and avoiding rejection.
• Underachieving and lacking ambition for fear of not coping or being rejected,
• Or overachieving – constantly working inordinately hard to prove worth and competence to self and others, striving for perfection and perceiving failure if it’s not achieved.
• Seeking or remaining in destructive relationships through fear of not managing alone.
• Depression – persistent low self esteem with negative self-talk can lead to other symptoms of depression such as low mood, not sleeping, poor appetite etc
• Hypersensitivity – assuming negative thoughts from others leads to being on the look out for these signs that confirm these fears. These could lead to acting on a sign that wasn’t perceived accurately (for example a compliment will sound sarcastic). Sometimes people will throw out “tests” to see what people think of them.
• Lack of assertiveness – anxiety and fear can lead to difficulties sharing feelings and asking assertively for needs to be met. This can lead to people being passive and being “walked on”, which can lead to a build up of pressure and aggression being expressed as being defensive, sarcastic, brusque or even rude. Putting other people down (not necessarily deliberately maliciously) may be a way of covering up a low self esteem. Being passive-aggressive is common, examples include being manipulative, planned tardiness, throwing out cues for others to pick up on and gossiping.
• Obsessions or addictions can be a way of coping or covering up. From workaholic behaviour through to developing serious mental illness such as anorexia or obsessive compulsive disorder with intrusive thoughts etc
• Behaving in a needy way, relying on others for direction and trying to please others.

None of these are meant to be criticisms but it’s helpful to know that people behave in all sorts of ways, unintentionally, in order to manage such a negative feeling. It may be helpful to realise that you have low self esteem and that how you’re managing it is having a negative impact on you and the people around you. If you notice other people’s behaviour is annoying, unhelpful or irrational, this may be the tip of the iceberg and it might be worth thinking about whether their self esteem is playing a part, the real root may be hidden.

My lack of self esteem was mostly internalised and exaggerated as I turned to self punishment.

I became depressed, used self harm to manage my emotions and hid inside anorexia to manage strong negative feelings about myself. Once I was on my road to recovery and I was able to reflect on some of my unhelpful thinking I became very aware of my fear of arrogance – my overwhelming fear of my head being too big had pushed me so far in the other direction I was suffering for it! A balance is important. (Arrogance is unattractive, and while some people may think it’s got them places, I never want to venture down that path.) I can be assertive while using humility to keep arrogance at bay!

It is really important to boost your own self esteem and the self esteem of those around you and to avoid unhelpful coping patterns. Here are some tips:

1. Stop comparing yourself to others – a trap a lot of us fall into, thinking it helps us know where we stand but it’s unrealistic as we’re all unique with different abilities and strengths. Get to know yourself rather than thinking you need to be the same as someone else.
2. Don’t strive for perfection – some people believe only God is perfect, others believe it does not exist. Being OK with “good enough” was one of the best things I ever did for my recovery. Don’t get me wrong, I love my perfectionistic streak (it’s part of who I am) and I can turn it on if I want to but I keep it in cheque!
3. Make mistakes – it’s natural, it’s the way we learn and it’s fun! They will happen, there’s nothing we can to avoid them so we may as well enjoy them! Apologise if necessary, learn what we need to, treat yourself with compassion and move on – that’s the most important bit!
4. Focus on the things you can control – focusing on our worries and the things we can’t control leads to a downwards spiral of negativity. Instead, if we look at what we CAN change not only will we feel better but we’re more likely to actually achieve what we want.
5. Talk to yourself in a positive way – imagine recording a repeater tape with “I’m no good, I can’t do this, I’ll never achieve anything” – if you didn’t believe it in the first place, you will after a very short time! This is what goes on inside the head of someone with low self esteem. Instead, we need to replace it with “I can do this, I’m an OK person” etc. Work out what you want and tell yourself you can do it! If someone you know has low self esteem, make sure you are their positive repeater tape – without prompting tell them they are lovable, tell them what they’re good at, tell them they’re unique.
6. Do things you enjoy and help others do the things they enjoy – having low self esteem makes you focus on the things you’re no good at. For once, just relax and do something you know you’re good at – go to the park and read a book, spend some times stroking your cat, make a smoothie, do some weeding. Anything! Helping other to find something they enjoy has its rewards – it will improve their self esteem and you might find something new and fun too!

Breaking out of low self esteem can be hard. It’s especially hard if its become habitual to behave in these ways over years and years. But improving self esteem will improve every aspect of your life! Feeling better about yourself will mean you will be able to:

• Communicate better, which in turn improves relationships, from intimate relationships to work colleagues to acquaintances.
• Manage challenges better – challenges come along, they can defeat us or make us stronger depending on how we approach them.
• Managing illness better – one of the biggest improvements I’ve seen is that when I’m unwell I’ve started asking for what I need instead of assuming I don’t have a clue and hoping other people will know better than me!
• Get what you want out of work – being honest about whether you want to achieve highly, be a CEO or whether you want something else – don’t let your self esteem dictate whether you over or under achieve!
• Have a healthy work-home-life balance – everyone’s different and needs/wants different things out of life. We should not allow our self esteem to allow us to be dictated to by others. Working out what works for us as a unique individual is vital for a healthy life!

If low self esteem is caught up in mental ill health, external support will be vital, recovery is tough but I wouldn’t give up my journey for anything. I’ve learnt so much about me and those around me, my life has been enriched by the experience. Wherever you are on your journey or whether you’re journeying with someone else, I hope my blog has helped in some way.

The trauma of looking in the mirror

Who would have thought, the simple act of getting my eyes checked could be so traumatic?!

Fortunately my eye sight isn’t too bad so, although advised to go to the optician every couple of years, I push it out to 4,5,6 years until the guilt of “not looking after my eyes” gets too much.

So, I find myself here again. Not only is making the appointment hard enough but I’m now sat in the waiting room for a “test”, for which I have received no training or education. Why have I not revised? Why do I not feel more prepared?! What if I get it all wrong?

The first room is darkened and just involves looking at a hot air balloon going in and out of focus – don’t think I can get anything wrong there can I?!

Next, I appear to be greeted by someone more qualified but she didn’t tell me who she was so I have no idea! She spends a long time looking in my eyes, telling me to look at various things in the room I can’t see! And then, why do they tell you too look down? This is going to cause you to effectively shut your eye! After a while, blinking away the bright spots, she tells me that my eyes are perfectly healthy – phew! Is that it? Can I go now? Please?!

Next, I have a large contraption pressed against my face and I’m asked to look through the holes towards the wall ahead. There are a number of different lenses inside…what happened to the funky glasses we used to put on? I have to say whether letters look more or less clear with various options so I quietly voice “1” or “2” depending on which is sharper but to be honest, most are so similar I’m struggling to tell them apart. I have no idea what this is testing and I have no idea if I’m giving accurate answers or even if it matters!

Next on the screen, I do not have the familiar optitian’s chart with the big A at the top, I just have a single line of letters I’m being asked to read and I’m not sure I can. I can guess? But what if I guess right and she assumes I can read it fine? I work along the line with a shaky voice and the optitian doesn’t give anything away – did I get it right?!

Next I have some paragraphs of very small text slotted very close to my face. I’m asked if I can read the top paragraph, to which I reply “yes”, expecting I would need to demonstrate. Apparently just saying “yes” was enough and I did not have to go through the ordeal of reading out loud in public!

After what feels like a couple of hours, our 15 minute “test” is over and my “results” are printed on a little tiny card. My eye sight is a bit worse but not a lot worse. I feel satisfied that I didn’t make a fool of myself but have I passed or failed?!

Next, comes the worse part…I’m advised to buy new glasses. This involves a number of impossible activities:

1. Looking at myself in the mirror
2. Deciding whether I prefer how I look in glasses a or b (or c or d…)
3. Not breaking down in tears about the whole process!

I’m greeted by a 3rd member of the team, a lovely young chap, to whom I confess my difficulties looking in a mirror. He was lovely, asking if I’d like similar glasses to those I’m already wearing, also advising me to go for slightly smaller styles, as I have a “small face” apparently! He leaves me while I try a few on and quite honestly, I just cringe when I look in the mirror – I look terrible, how is a pair of glasses going to solve that?! The young chat comes back with a couple of his favorites but I’ve already had enough! Why am I fighting back tears over such a simple task? It might sound rediculous but I have a feeling verging on panic. I hate how I look and my internal voice shouts insults at me. I explain to the assistant that I need to come back with my husband so he can help!

So, a little while later, husband in tow, I step over the threshold again. We look over the offerings, noticing that “fashionable” now means quite bold. This is not going to suit me so my choice is quite restricted – maybe this is a good thing! I try on a few pairs, again, it’s a disaster when I look in the mirror. The kind shop assistant says they can take photos so I can look at them on an iPad (this would be useful if you need your regular glasses to look at what you look like in your new glasses) but that sounds like my idea of a nightmare…looking at numerous photos of myself in different glasses that all add to my ugliness, while some kind person adds their opinion…hummmm, no thanks! I know the assistants are only ever trying to be nice but when I already have a negative commentary in my head, I’m afraid they just add, “I’m just being nice to make a sale” plus, “I’m being nice cos we need to get you out of our shop as quickly as possible, you’re a terrible advert for our glasses”.

Eventually…shop number 4…Steve’s trying to reassure me that there isn’t a budget, what’s most important is that I’m happy, or at least satisfied with how I look. I finally find some that don’t make me want to vomit when I look in the mirror, I manage to say “these look ok”. I then have a few measurements of my face taken to ensure my prescription can be added to the frames. I’m not really sure what made those glasses ok over any others, maybe I’m just getting used to my image but it’s such a relief!

Of course, this is a 1st world problem and we are incredibly lucky that we have access, not only to people who can check our eye health but also we can have glasses of an accurate prescription so we can perform any everyday task we wish. People in developing countries rarely have access to glasses, let alone an accurate prescription glasses… Next I’ll be taking my old glasses to Vision Aid Overseas