When my mind broke my body

TW (some may be adversely affected by the contents of this blog)

10 years ago an illness took me to the darkest place on earth

10 years ago I believed I would be better off dead and suicide was the only option

10 years ago my Dad answered his phone “hello sweet-heart” but a policeman had used my phone to call him, he was told his daughter had jumped off a bridge in an attempt to end her life and was lying broken on the ground

10 years ago my parents drove 30 miles, feeling numb with no idea what they were going to find at the end

10 years ago the surgeons said I should have died

10 years ago I lay broken in a hospital bed, I needed a bone graft to repair my sight, a metal fixation to prevent permanent paralysis and months of bed rest to allow my fractured legs to heal

10 years ago the psychiatrists wanted me to go straight back to the psychiatric unit

But something inside me had changed…my mind was broken, my body was broken but I realised the spirit inside me was still alive…

I had survived when I should have died, I’d been given a second chance, my story wasn’t over…

In the last 10 years my relationship with God has deepened

In the last 10 years I’ve learnt to live with the consequences of my actions and I manage the chronic pain

In the last 10 years my family have gone above and beyond in the support they’ve given me and some amazing friends have stood by me

In the last 10 years I’ve been through more emotional pain but I’ve learnt how to cope with it, I’ve learnt that crying and being angry are important parts of life

In the last 10 years I’ve been to a therapeutic community, day care, had more hospital admissions and over 100 individual therapy sessions

In the last 10 years I’ve discovered who I am and developed a sense of identity

In the last 10 years I’ve been out of work, in voluntary work and in paid work

In the last 10 years I’ve found my soul-mate and married him

I have no idea what the next 10 years has in store, we may start to build a family in our own home, or these things may not be possible but whatever happens I know the person I am now is equipped to deal with life’s challenges head on!

For more information or if you need to talk to someone, please contact:

• Samaritans – call 116 123
• Mind
• Turn2me

Or contact your GP and support team. Please do not suffer in silence.

It’s just attention seeking

Most of us have heard this phrase used in relation to someone one with a mental health condition. When someone self-harms, they’re “just attention seeking”, when someone attempts suicide but doesn’t complete or attends A&E, they’re “just attention seeking”. It is used in a derogative way and has an undertone of “don’t give them attention”, “they’re time wasters” and “make sure they understand how inconvenient they’re being”. I’ve heard it used by many different people including doctors, nurses, police and MPs.

If you actually step back and think about this…when a baby cries, they are asking for their needs to be met, we do not blame a baby for causing a scene, that is the only way they are able to get their needs met…if, at that point, their needs are not met, they are likely to develop other coping strategies – some will scream and cry more or bang their fists on the side of their cot while others will shut up and never expect their needs to be met. The care giver has the control over whether they receiving the attention they need. From the minute babies are born, they seek attention, they need attention. This does not disappear as babies grow into children and then into adults, we learn to satisfy ourselves, yes, but we still need attention in a variety of ways, it’s natural.

If an individual is in emotional distress, anxious, depressed, frightened, paranoid or confused they have a need to decrease the distress – this is a natural human desire. Some people will find it easier than others to manage their emotions. Most people will need to express their emotion and may need support from others. If, for some reason, they are unable to express their emotion appropriately or rationally, or their needs are not heard, they are likely to express the emotion in an unusual way, this can be known as “acting out”, they will seek behaviours that satisfy their natural human needs. Once this happens, is it right that they are then told they should not have attention? Surely the earlier they receive attention, the quicker their needs will be met and the unhelpful behaviour can be altered. These people need support to ensure they are able to express and relieve their emotions in a healthy way – how can this happen if people turn them away and they are told  they are an annoyance or an inconvenience?

At times, when mentally very unwell,  I’ve been distressed by voices in my head shouting hurtful remarks at me, I didn’t have the language or understanding to explain what was happening but I  wanted them to stop (I think this is a reasonable desire!). Having tried every healthy coping mechanism I could think of and nothing having worked, at times I’ve banged my head against a wall with such repeated force I’ve ended up with severe bruising. This would go some way to relieving the voices. But I would then need assessing for concussion, fractures etc. The last thing I wanted was to sit in A&E for hours but there I was left, well past the target waiting time… at the time it made sense to me that I was being punished for my bad behaviour, after all I had done it to myself. The doctor then looked at me with such disdain, I was left with no doubt I was below dirt on his shoe. Being treated with contempt confirmed my belief that I was worthless, pointless and not worth helping.

Often people who self harm or act out in other ways do not want attention for that behaviour, I have always been embarrassed and ashamed and done my best to hide what’s happened. I have not wanted attention but I’ve needed attention (both for the physical injuries and) to understand what was happening so I could learn how to express my needs and emotions in a healthy and understandable way.

Some people worry that giving this “bad behaviour” attention, it will just continue. Believe me, if you’ve reached the point of acting out your emotions, it’s going to continue. Giving the right support and attention will ease the situation not compound it.

The state of the child and adolescent mental health service scares me. Reading this account from the Guardian saddens but does not surprise me. If children are left in mental distress, rates of child suicide will increase and those who do survive will end up in the adult mental health system – a very undesirable place, best avoided!

Next time you here someone say “they’re just attention seeking” with a derogative tone, say “yes, that is because they need attention”. They may not be asking for it in the most healthy way but that doesn’t mean you deny them the help and support they desperately need to work out how best to aviate their distress in the short and the long term.

Something new this year

At this time of year many of us have fought with ourselves about whether to set New Year’s resolutions. Statistics show that of the millions of resolutions made, 80% will end in failure. Mostly, this will be due to unrealistic expectations; we unwittingly set ourselves up for failure.

In 2008 I pledged to make the year “better than the previous year” as 2007 had been a disaster, suffering from mental illness I’d been in and out of hospital with relationships and job prospects falling along the way. So, I thought the resolution couldn’t go wrong, things couldn’t get worse! Unfortunately 2008 was worse, I will not go into details but I was very unwell and not getting the support I needed. Since I’d obviously failed what I thought was a very simple new year’s resolution, come the eve of 2009 I wasn’t celebrating, nor did I think there was any point in looking forward to a “better year”, that hadn’t worked last year! As the New Year chimed in, I was in yet another hospital receiving treatment for a near fatal overdose. A few days into the New Year I reflected on the past few days and realised how powerfully unhelpful the sense of failure is, my belief that I was failing at life made me give up. I decided to turn things around – I did not make a new year’s resolution I couldn’t measure or one that I had limited control over. Instead, what I pledged was “I’ll take each day as it comes and manage as best I can”, with a couple of important additions “I will not beat myself up”, “I’ll notice the positives” and “I’ll put some faith in God”. When it comes to mental health, thoughts/feeling/circumstances are a bit complicated, some things you can control and others you can’t. I learnt:

• There are good and bad days, both varieties come and go
• Bad things happen, they are not always my fault, I do not need to beat myself up and start down a guilty spiral, I can just chalk things up to experience and move on
• Something positive happens every day, you just have to look for it
• Fully relying on God can be a relief, he does answer prayer and he’s always available (you don’t have to call, text or wait for him to be free!)

The bible tells us: “Do not remember the past events, pay no attention to things of old. Look, I am about to do something new… I will make a way in the wilderness, rivers in the desert.” Isaiah 43:18-19. This says to me do not compare last year with this; look forward, God will guide, even when lost in the wilderness, there will be a way forward, even when thirsty the desert, there will be water.

So this year, what will it be? Most people set a traditional one along the lines of giving up smoking, losing weight or to do more exercise. These are all admirable and I praise anyone who wants to be healthier. I’m posting this blog mid-January because many people will be struggling with their resolutions and I wonder, is there something more fundamental that needs healing? Do you need to improve your self-esteem? Do you need to lead a calmer life? Do you generally need to be kinder to yourself? How about one of these:

• Start a positive/thankful/gratitude/praise diary. Each day write one positive thing or something you’re thankful for. My first diary, I started in the depths of depression, my first day I wrote “Minaise smiled at me” – she was a nurse in hospital who had hope in me even when I didn’t; this proved to me that positive things happen even when it doesn’t feel like it. Since that first day I have filled many diaries. Truly miraculous things happen every day; you just have to notice them!
• Put a notice somewhere you will see it every day (maybe by your bed) saying “I am loved” – read it twice every day, make it part of your routine, eventually you will believe it!
• Make time for yourself. Soothe yourself for 10 minutes per day. For some this may be stroking the cat, listening to music, a warm shower, colouring, a short walk or maybe some prayer time; anything that calms your mind and body. Perhaps try downloading the Headspace app or download some self help.

• Tell someone every day that you love them. Ask someone to make it their resolution to say they love you every day.
• Laugh every day – even if you have to type “funny cats” into YouTube, it’s well worth it!
• Learn and practice mindfulness
• Stop caring what other people think…some of us are paralysed by fear of judgement from other people. Instead, whenever you feel judged or put down, tell yourself “God loves me just the way I am”.
• Whenever possible, accept help and help others. Life is about relationships, we do not have to do anything alone. I am fiercely independent, it’s in the nature, but when I let other people in my life is enriched beyond what I can imagine.

Just pick 1 or 2, do not set yourself up to “fail”. If you do not manage your resolution every day, tell yourself “it’s ok” and try again the next day. If by the end of January you’ve lost momentum, try something else in February, then something else in March etc. Let me know what’s working for you by commenting below 🙂

Acceptance of being fearfully and wonderfully made

A little while ago video passed across my facebook page of a very brave woman who stripped to her underwear in Piccadilly Circus, armed only with a blindfold, some marker pens and a white board reading “I’m standing for anyone who has struggled with an eating disorder or self-esteem issue like me… To support self-acceptance draw a [heart] on my body.” The video takes you through the initial agonising moments as there’s an air of confusion but gradually one by one complete strangers took the pens from her hands and draw a multitude of hearts on her body. I am moved to tears because it’s a powerfully beautiful statement. Her vulnerability was striking, not only was she naked but she was asking for something from the strangers she could not see walking by. How often do we chose to stay quiet, afraid of being noticed, afraid of judgement or ridicule? But Jae West didn’t stay quiet, she had a very simple message she communicated in a silent yet striking way. She says,

“With the growing prevalence of eating-disorders and self-esteem issues around the world, this public act of self-acceptance aims to get people to question the true relationship that they have to themselves and body-image.”

I am reminded of various relationships I’ve had with my body; mostly negative. I am tormented by areas I consider “fat” and “disgusting”; when my joints ache I’m reminded of the punishment I’ve inflicted on my body; when I build up muscle through healthy exercise I am distressed by the increase in bulk; at lower weights I’ve been pleased with how I look but still the clothes don’t fit right – it doesn’t matter what weight/shape I’ve been, changing rooms, mirrors and photographs remain my enemy. I try to remember when I’ve felt proud of my body’s achievements, it’s run half marathons, it’s climbed mountains, it’s survived everything I’ve thrown at it!

I feel pained when I hear the negative relationships people have with their body. I look at other people and I can only see beauty. I believe we are all fearfully and wonderfully made (fearfully = with respect and reverence and wonderfully = to be distinct and unique). So why does my brain, so often, dismiss this belief and look disdainfully upon my body? I try to remind myself I’m “healthy” but no rational thinking will shift my juxtaposed beliefs. I’m sure I am not in a unique position. Why do we hold onto the beliefs that will only knock us down? My husband is saddened, as the compliments he wishes to bestow cause me pain; thinking about my body is hard enough, hearing what someone else thinks feels intolerable. I feel sorry about the sadness I cause by my lack of acceptance, it is unfair on him that my insecurities get in the way of him expressing his love. Why do so many of us find it hard, if not, impossible, to hear compliments?

I believe I am a survivor of an eating disorder, I do not suffer any more (I struggle but I do not suffer). My last hurdle is to come to terms with my body. I wonder what it is going to take. I thank Jae West for standing up for us and I dream of being able to fight the fear of judgement and ridicule and having her courage.